In many ways I failed. My favorite color isn't pink, I don't have a small voice or a petite body that's 100lbs soaking wet and all things girly and feminine don't align with me. It's not for lack of trying either, I've starved and giggled and lilted my way to some approximation of girliness and yet the "other" always peaks out in the form of clunky boots, fleshy bodies and a snorting cackle. I'm both oversexualized and masculinized because of my large chest. I see rhetoric about bodies like mine--busty and short with terrible fat distribution--being "dirty". In a world where small breasts and fat asses being peak feminine form where do I fit as someone who's large chest and no ass is a constant point of comment and mockery? Because of my affinity for leather and metal and chipped nails I'm seen as posturing, yet I never felt superior because of it, I felt isolated, defected almost. As if I made a mistake along the way and the only way to atone for it was through envy. I could wear as much pink as I liked, and listen to as much girly pop as I wanted but it wasn't authentic to me. The flipside of that, is by embracing my true self it was seen as put upon, as me trying not to be like other girls despite my yearning to be them.
But that's the complexity of it all. I don't want to be them, not really. In all honesty nothing would make me happier than to be accepted as I am to have my own form of femininity admired. However constant comparison to these girls has left me feeling inadequate. The more I aspire to my own version of femininity, the more I'm accused of wanting to be them, the less secure I feel in myself. I love myself and my interests sure but wouldn't be easier if I didn't? Wouldn't people like me more if I was one of these girls? People would be nicer, they would accept me more, they would appreciate me more. I don't want to be them deep down truly, I've recognized that ages ago.
But the image of a spoiled, hyperfeminine, pink obsessed girl stayed in the forefront. Now you were isolated by other girls for not being that. You're not a "girls girl." And maybe a big part of that has to do with my physical appearance, a brown skin black girl is already an awkward thing to be--not dark enough to face the brunt of colorism but not light enough to escape it. Be pink or die is what it feels like. I'd get off easier in a way if I was hyperfeminine, not that the girls who look like me or darker don't get racist vitriol because they do, but they are accepted into a world that feels foreign to me.
Maybe I'm tired of the "I thought you were mean when I first saw you." comments. The, "step on me queen!" 'compliments.' The, "you always were a little weird." It's not easy seeing people you're attracted to and who claim to be attracted to you instead go for the softer, daintier option. Because you're just "too much." I'm a nice girl, a sensitive one. And yet because that sensitivity isn't wrapped in a frilly pink bow I'm left out.
Something about them is so allusive, so unattainable. Not a hair out of place, pink & white everything, glossy lips and a fresh mani pedi. In many ways they're the pinnacle of femininity under capitalism however unintentional. It's not their fault totally, we're all just existing in a system primed to create these dichotomies. And more often than not these girls are
nice. They're human--they make unfunny jokes, they snort when they laugh, they fall in public. And yet there's an air around them that can't be explained.
All it takes is one look through their twitters to know there's another world out there. One pink and girly that smells like cupcakes and buttercream frosting. A world made for girls with baby pink auras completely barred from girls like me. It's not on purpose. You just either are that kind of girl or you aren't. And despite me deep down knowing being this kind of girl would make me miserable, I cannot help but fall into the allure. Of being seen as dainty, and feminine and worth protecting. But that's not how people see me.
Instead they see me like this. Someone who performs more "masculine" traits and interests for male approval. The idea that my likes cannot be genuine, that I must be performing for attention. There's this idea that being pink and girly and sweet is the default, the way all woman should aspire to be and anything that deviates from that "norm" is to play at being the "cool girl." I cannot enjoy horror, and motorcycles and beer and rock music naturally. It has to be adopted from somewhere.
And yet the fact of the matter is the type of girl they describe me to be is not longer coveted. And arguably hasn't been since the 10 years that the movie Gone Girl came out and the 12 since the book of the same name's full monologue.
But as I stated earlier, this girl is no longer wanted. Men do not want women to be on their same level of "cool" even if the whole point is they project this. Men have always wanted to be the cool one in a relationship and it's only progressed more now, at least back then "cool girl" was because the man wanted a woman he could at least match with. Now men want them softer, some want a blank canvas. Some want a "candid girlfriend" the much maligned term coined by Steph Dag (
link). Many bucked against this term, believing it was disparaging towards women without realizing this is just "cool girl" of the internet age. This is a girl who is nothing, a greige blob for her beau to call on discord as he explains niche anime or mma and she smiles and nods and goes "ohhhh thats so interesting!"
The type of girl this anon says I am is unwanted. A relic of the past as everyone becomes rounder, smoother and more palatable. If "candid girlfriend" is not the girl they want, they want the pretty pink princess who's thighs tastes like a strawberry matcha latte.
So what am I to do? As a spectator who wants in on this hyperfeminine land of wonders known as Girl World. Am I envious? Slightly, because of the ease at which it comes to them as I struggle to even be seen as desirable instead of scary and intimidating, One may say I embrace it, but it feels dissonant at times as someone who stands at 5'3. The type of girl they think I am is sexy, what am I supposed to do as someone who's aura reads aggressive but my face reads...cute? I'm almost 23 and I still get mistaken for younger. There's nothing scary about me. Maybe I'm a little rough, maybe I don't smell like whipped cream but I'm also not a girl with sharp liner and an eyebrow piercing, I exist in the middle and I am still struggling to figure out what femininity means to me, and how I want to express it. Still struggling to feel comfortable in my own body where others seem to have an unspoken ease.
Maybe I'm just thinking about myself too much.
